Finding my way back..

In the most random moment in the very midst of a global pandemic, I find myself realizing that I am no longer the person I used to be. I have a strong, undeniable urge to find her. I need to find her again.

A lot can certainly happen in three years. That’s how long it has been since I wrote and published anything. I got pregnant after over two years of trying and now have the most charming almost two year old little boy. He is more than I have ever imagined. I often catch myself wondering how I even navigated through life without knowing him. He makes an otherwise mundane day burst with remarkable wonder. As long as the time I felt waiting for him, was as quick as we went through the first year of parenthood. The same year my son was born was also the same year we lost our first dog. The dog who got me through the toughest days of my life in his short but joyful 12 years. It almost felt as if he waited to meet my son before he left us. That changed me too. Tremendously. Nevertheless, life continued for the four of us and we welcomed a rescue in his honor.

This year, with lots of prayers and hard work, we took a leap of faith and bought our very first home. This one too was beyond what we could’ve hoped for. It is a charming little cape house with a pale yellow exterior and weathered pastel blue shutters. It has a generous fenced backyard suitable especially for the dogs, and is structurally perfect for our little family. This was one of our biggest milestones next to the birth of our little one.

For the most part, I feel like I have been treading ordinarily through life. With some highs but extreme lows, it could feel like it comes with the territory, but I realized I have lived each day in constant worry over the last decade. I find myself giving the best advises, yet I am terrible at taking my own. With the current state the world is in at the moment, I have also learned that uncertainty does things even to those with the healthiest disposition. Like any if not most, my personal life has withstood both the best and worst of the seasons, and I am still here.

Another random but lingering thought I’ve had is how there are so much contradicting quotes on love and life, however I find the one that says a good relationship and lifestyle requires (a lot of) work to be honestly relatable. Love, I have learned, has many different looks. It grows and changes as we grow and change. And we constantly have to ask ourselves whether we want to grow with it together or apart.

If there is one thing I am slowly learning is that even when romance fades in and out, it is most important to maintain a friendship with your partner. If you remember and try to give the same respect and courtesy you would to a friend to your partner, I believe it’ll do the relationship wonders. We forget that beneath that relationship is still a person. It is easy to make ideals and imagine a life without chaos, but the latter is inclusive of reality.

Today, I want to remember to be kind to myself. To be extra kind on the hardest days. To know that it is okay to worry but not at the expense of your mental health and relationships. That it is good to live in the moment while not knowing what life might be like in the next three years or so. That it is fine to go through moments of not being okay, and being grateful for the things that are. I hope to remember how good it makes me feel to write, but not pressure myself to do so. And most of all, I hope to remind myself to take it easy and live a little- even if it’s just for today.

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  1. August 14, 2020 / 2:12 pm

    i got so excited when i got the blog post notif, Kar! i enjoyed reading it. as always. thank you for reminding me that its ok to live a little. i needed this today.

    • mskarau
      August 14, 2020 / 4:50 pm

      Cath! I can always count on you to find a good read in my posts! As I love your writing very much as well. 🙂 Hope you are doing well in these crazy times. Hugs to the little one!

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